The Old Ticker

The last time I was at Kaiser I had to race there to make it on time. The nurse strapped a blood pressure cup on and wham, It's 150 over, a hundred. I said, "Ya gotta let me calm down. You see, I was trying to find a parking space when this stupid bastard had a senior moment and couldn't decide if he was going into a stall or out of one."

I think his diaper needed changing but I waited patiently while he somehow made it out without hitting to many cars, then hobbled with my cane in one hand to the dermatologist. She waited maybe two seconds before turning on the squeeze. Now it was only 140 over ninety.

"You may get a call to see our hypertension clinic," she said. Then the doc came in and began the burn off of all the pre-cancers that pop up from my days in the sun.

It was 125/84 and the other arm was 120/80. I was given a diet that says I'm to eat more fruit and nuts and less prime rib and gin. I'm to fast for blood work and come back in two months to see if I need any further discipline for having a high blood pressure rate when some older fuck than me begins to drool behind the wheel.

I suppose that if I chanted, or painted a pretty flower while the dufus was deciding to shit in his pants or move forward, I would have tiptoed in with bare skin glowing, waiting for the nitrogen to freeze the shit out of my fucking flesh and still come up with a perfect blood pressure.

"Oh doctor, that stings so good!"

Then the scabs come. And people begin to look. You hear comments like, "Shouldn't he be wearing a bell to warn people?" And "Oh my god Ethel, don't let the children see this."

Sure, of course your blood pressure is high when you're treated like that. Whose wouldn't be, but do the doctors understand that? No. "You say you don't smoke but you do smoke grass from time to time. And you drink? Daily is that it? And you eat pork and beef. You eat cake and you just can't say no to a fried shrimp? Well, we want you to read this diet and follow it."

I read it. Nothing about how to make a good martini. Not a thing about blue cheese versus cheddar on a hamburger with bacon. Fuck no. It's fruits and legumes, fruits and legumes. Jesus fucking Christ, sticks and twigs, no wonder you don't have high blood pressure on a diet of that shit. You probably can't make it out of the field you just foraged for the ingredients.