Dancing With Ghosts In LaLa Land

DANCING WITH GHOSTS ARTWORK BY CLEMENTE GUZMAN

 
I've been doing that a lot lately, remembering those that are no longer here. It's part of aging, you begin to remember more about what you did with those deceased than the living. For me it's not bad because for the most part, I only remember the good times. Once in a while a memory of something terrible occurs but as time goes on, the mix of memories mellow and become a balm when you feel lonely. That's when you sooth your psychic with memories from another time.

That's the thing with aging, you will feel alone at times because most everyone else you know is either dead or close to it. It's all in how you want to look at it. I don't mind it myself for it gives me the time to remember, and in doing so for that brief moment, relive a wonderful experience. Each of us has in them beautiful memories culled from our past and groomed to fit how we look at ourselves and our lives. These selected memories are there to enjoy as we dance to a rhythm timed just right for us. Let the old have their dance, let them sing to songs of long ago and let them remember through a prism of their own.

I do miss the days in Topanga Canyon, especially in the cold season when we gathered at someone's house to keep warm and play musical instruments to entertain ourselves. We fixed dinners from whatever was on hand and laughed through it all. Each adding a story or two from where they hailed or adventures shared while we listened to old rafters creak and a stream surge into a river below us.

For in these memories I am young again, full of piss and vinegar ready to pit myself against the world. And that is what some of chose to do. Warriors that fought battles in our own worlds, we tried to bring understanding of ourselves to those that didn't know us. Isn't that what we all want? Understanding of who we are.

In A World Gone Mad Kindness Prevails

It's hard sometimes to watch the news about families torn apart for political gain along with a  mix of crude and vulgar language coming from the highest office in the land. It's hard to think the country I love wants to cast out those that yearn to be free because they come from a destitute land. But here in La La Land, life is a little different for this is where dreams can come true.

Sweet Pea and I think about the day on our walks in the hood. How people have shown kindness to me in a variety of ways when I tell them of Wally's passing. There is no judgement of our life style, no callous remarks of my loss but only sympathy for what I'm going through. It helps. For some days are really tough from beginning to end.

What I thought would be easy to adjust to, the freedom of  only caring for myself, isn't so easy. I'm so use to caring for Wally that it became who I was, and now I can't remember to take my pills because I'm not measuring out for the both of us in my morning routine. It's empty here, so very very empty. That too, I thought I would like but it is at times uncomfortable. Though Wally couldn't talk toward the end he was there to talk to, and now those little things that come up in a day that you would only say to someone you love can no longer be said. 


But something magical happens. People, strangers in fact, are kind to you with smiles and pleasantries. It doesn't take much to brighten someone's day. These things we do for one another connects us, makes us all better people, for in that magic moment of kindness we are not alone and that is very important for human beings.

I know that someday this will be behind me, I will feel more at ease and that all the legal issues concerning Wally will be over but right now that is not the case. Right now, he is gone and I miss him to the point that my guts hurt. We met at a dance class and I suppose someday we might dance again. Wouldn't that be nice. 

One Door Opens And Another Closes

For years now I have cared for my spouse who suffered with dementia. He died last month from complications caused by this terrible disintegration of the brain. But it was at great cost to me taking this journey to its end. I'm recovering now from the stress and exhaustion of the final ordeal he went through. A door closed on his life and another opened for mine.

To go through the grieving process, and at the same time, deal with the arrangements for the remains and the legal issues that arise, are the toughest thing a husband or wife has to do. And there is no choice in the matter. No one can do it for you. You can plan, you can have all your ducks in a row but when it comes down to when it happens you are vulnerable as if you were stark naked. You are bewildered to the point of insanity and desperate for a normal of some kind to occur.

I expected his death for a long time. The doctors and nurses told me for years that he wouldn't live another year and yet he did. Even to the end, his body fought for life days longer than the doctor's proclamation to me, "Now is the time, if anyone wants to see him, because he will be gone within hours." That was on a Wednesday and he stayed with us for three more days.

Now I'm at the point of picking up my life, most of what was needed to close Wally's is done. There are still some things left but each day brings less that I must take care of and a bit more for me to get use to. I still look for Wally in bed or his chair that is now gone. The schedule that ruled us everyday of my life for years is now empty and ready for things new.

There was an article I read once on getting over grief. Basically it is replacing old memories with new. Try to do things you didn't do with your partner which would give new memories to have, not that the old memories pass but you're not reliving them without your partner. That was the problem I was having while Wally was still alive. Everything was, "We went here," or "We did this." It becomes unbearable after time and with that I've been looking into forming new memories. I bought season tickets to the games of L.A's new soccer team, the L.A. Football Club.

Season tickets for four at the new soccer stadium, Banc of California Football Stadium that is being built at Exposition Park. It gives me something to look forward to, something exciting I can do with my friends that I never did before. It's very much La La Land to have something new all the time. Only now, for me, it is opening a new door, to new beginnings and new adventures, a new way of life.

I'm hoping I'll do okay. That I will adjust, like so many other things I've had to adjust to, with time and with the help of friends, to a new way of life. That is what makes living in La La Land special, we have taken the golden rule of the universe, adapt or die as a motto to live by. There are no other choices when you think about it.