Fire and Brimstone

David, another David, not Dafney, is a certified klutz. When he was born, the doc slapped him on the ass and broke his wrist. When his mom changed his diaper he peed in her face, she was blinded, dropped the diaper, slipped in the shit and broke her leg. Life that surrounds David is fraught with peril. Doesn't matter if it's a goldfish or an alligator, if it is near David, it is in danger.

And knowing this, knowing David's long and illustrious history as a certified jinx, I still invited him up and what's worse, asked if he could watch the house for three days while Pete was here. He has only been here a day but the wreckage he left at the house is incredible. First, it was a cold day and David, being a sedentary being, was cold. So he turned on all the lights, not wanting to use the gas heater, he used the electric fireplace. Not wanting to wait for it to heat up slowly, he turned it to its highest setting. Now that the lights were on and the electric fireplace was cooking he turned his attention to food so he put a burrito in the microwave, setting it on high and turned on the computer and the television. The heat from everything turned on the air-conditioner but David was in the bathroom at the time laying a turd so big it stuffed the toilet. Now the toilet was plugged with shit when the main circuit breaker blew.

No lights, no phone, no heat, no air-conditioner no toilet and he had only been there a few hours. I get a call that went on and on with what was wrong. I called the handyman and asked him if he could come out and stay with David the three days he would be there to repair after him, he would have too but was on another job at the time. I called an electrician, a plumber and Father Leary for help. The good father was to exorcise the house before the workers arrived so that they would have some semblance of safety. In the meantime, David was still hungry and so took the burrito out of the nuker and put it in the oven  turning that on.

Of course the oven didn't work, it has electric ignition and David, once he figured that out tried to use some leftover birthday candles to light the oven. It didn't work but it did leave a pool of wax on the bottom of the oven. The next morning he is on the train and heading our way. I warned Rebbecca that a world renown jinx was coming to stay. She thanked me, cursed and added a charge to the bill. I can't blame her really and glad that his room was a somewhat safe distance from ours.

I get a call later in the day after I picked up David at the train depot. Mom was there, the lights were still out because the electrician couldn't work in the rain outside to replace the breaker. He was coming back that afternoon when the rain was suppose to stop. The plumber snaked the toilet and complained of a nasty fight with the toilet lobster that David left simmering in the can. I asked her if Father Leary had left any holy water behind for a touch up and if he did to use it before anything else went wrong.

Later she called again and said the electrician came and replaced the breaker, the toilet lobster finally died and was flushed out to sea but there was this strange smell in the kitchen. She went to look and found the oven on  and a fire flaming up inside from the pool of wax that caught on fire.
David is here and being watched closely but from a safe distance. He just got a call that the plumbers he hired would like it better if he sent a check with his signature on it rather than without, like the one they had in their hands.  Pray, pray with all your might that we return alive.