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Monday, March 28, 2016

Penelope's Peculiarities Tale One, The Worm Turns


I met Worm from sheer frustration. After I inherited Granny's house, I needed cover. Smack dab in the middle of the bible belt with every housewife keeping an eye on me from their headquarters, the Jesus of Calvary Baptist church across the street. The Baptist had one stupid ass preacher named Norm. He came to the house to introduce himself. But I knew it was the wives all a twitter that I was out to steal their husbands that really brought him to my door. Why, though, didn't matter. Worm, I mean Norm, fit the bill.

"Good afternoon, Miss....huh, Now how should I call you Darlin'? I only saw your granny now and then. She didn't seem interested in going to a church meeting from what I gather. But I thought you might like to join our Sunday service."

The skinny, bald headed jerk resembled a worm and I'm sure had a dick about as big. "Call me Penelope, love. Come in, I hope you don't mind the ravens, they can be a bit protective. You're not afraid of little birds or girls are you Mr?"

"Norm Saggot the name, Miss Penelope." He had a grin that sliced his face in half. "And I have Jesus everywhere I go so I fear not."

"Well, good for you, Worm, I mean, Norm. That's it, Norm? Right? Oh, watch the bird shit too, they're ornery right now."

"Yes ma'am. Norm. Now, I brought the bible with me so we can say a prayer together. Would you like to pray with me Miss. Penelope?"

"I'll do you one better. Now you sit right here and I'll sit over there." I pointed him to a wooden chair for a child while I walked to the leather couch and sat in the middle with one leg stretched out and the other spread to show this jerk what damn good cunt looked like."

"Huh, Miss Penelope, I'm afraid,you're exposing yourself."

"Don't be afraid. Say, I thought you wanted to pray. Well, the chapel's open." I said with my middle finger pointing to my crotch.


"Miss Penelope what do you mean?"

"Honey, you ain't never going to have anything better than this in your whole fucking life, and I bet once you pop that pencil dick of yours in here, you'll go mad for more."

Worm squirmed, hot and bothered, I heard him give a high pitched moan before he tossed the good book on the ground and dove into my snatch like a miser looking for gold.

I let him busy himself for a while so I could tell the ravens to stop shitting on his bible, I had business to attend. "Honey, get your tongue outta there before you wear it out."

"Ah, Miss Penelope, that was the finest dish of poontang I ever did eat. And, well, I don't know what to say but I just gotta have some more."

"I know you do, sweetheart but you're married and I'm not. How ya gonna fix that unless you divorce your dear wife."

"That bitch. Why she ain't nothin' to me but a dried up prune. I'll get divorce Miss Penelope, first thing."

"Well, when you do, let me know. And don't take too long. Now you get your good book, might like to wipe the bird shit off when you're outside, and get busy if you want some more of my Southern hospitality."

It didn't take pencil dick a week before he was back telling me he had his wife arrested for stealing from the church. And showed me one big  ass diamond ring he bought with the money she stole.

"I'll have the divorce papers in a week, I know the judge and he don't take to women stealing from God. So, I was hopin' you'd let me in the chapel."

"When you get the papers Worm, come on over and I'll let you sharpen what you call a dick in my grinder."

"Oh, lordy, I thought I could just have a taste for now, you know, since you took the ring and all."

"What kind of Christian are you? Get the papers and shake down that congregation of yours because I'll need money for a proper wedding."

"Yes, ma'am, I'll get on it right now."

Worm was the stupidest human I ever met but a week later, with his wife serving twenty years for grand theft, he had the divorce papers in hand and a bone in his pants.

"Well honey pie, here's the papers and we can get married anytime you'd like."

"Midnight sound good to you? And what about the money?"

"Right here, got a grand."

"A grand what? Piano?"

"No honey, I got a thousand dollars. All for you!"

"Shit. How am I suppose to go to Vegas with a thou?"

"Vegas?"

"You don't think I'm marrying you here do you?" Get that Dodge you call a car and pick me up for the airport. And get mommy to come up with five grand or the whole thing is off."

I thought it would be over then, but damn if Worm didn't show up with the five grand and off we went to Vegas, him whining the whole way about getting some action which was pissing me off. When we got to Vegas, it was night. We went to the Belliagio where I used one of his cards for a suite overlooking the water show. I had enough time for a couple of bottles of champagne before midnight's marriage hosted by a dear friend of mine.

Worm, of course was hopping around the room like it was a frying pan. He wanted some action, and with his whining and all, I had enough.

"Look, you're going to have to wait until, AFTER we are married. I'm not a slut like your ex-wife. So get a couple of bottles of good French champagne brought up while I let you massage my feet. Which reminds me, fill the bath while I make a phone call and don't you fucking touch that chicken neck of yours. If I see any fluids of yours around you'll be licking the whole fucking bathroom clean. Got it Worm?"

"Am I gonna get some more poontang Miss. Penolpe?"

"Shit, that's all you think about isn't it. That's what happens when men get into my magic box. You'll get some in good time. But you are one big fucking, fuck-up that's really grating my nerves so you better get going.
You do not want to piss me off."

Worm trotted off whimpering while I called my friend Tallulah to get a party going. She can put on one bang up wedding.

"Hey, Tallulah, we got here. Is everything ready?"

"Shit yeah, but give me a few more of those credit cards from your soon to be hubby.  I've maxed out the ones you gave me earlier."

"Sure, let me look," I grabbed his wallet and emptied it, then I called him. "Hey Worm!"

The squirmy little thing came running thinking I had a treat. "Look asshole, I know your mother gave you a credit card in case you got into trouble. Well you're in trouble." I spread my legs apart and showed the magic box. You want some? Get that fucking card, NOW."

The fucker had it in his nasty shoe, with a tissue, I picked it up and read the numbers to Tallulah. When finished I tossed it in the trash and told Worm he better come up with some more cash. It was going to be one hell of a wedding. My friend called around and the whole gang was coming. They were flying in from the Orient, Europe and South America. Tallulah rented a mansion, and a good band. Worm looked worried with a sweat growing on his forehead and his eyeballs kinda of popping out.

Once my bath was ready I let Worm hold my champagne glass while I climbed in the tub. Once in and and comfy with my champagne, Worm got busy with my feet. What a perv the guy was too. I knew the fucker came in his pants twice while massaging my bunions, but let it go, thinking maybe he would settle down. When I was done he was still all hot to trot though, and his color wasn't good. "Better not barf on the floor or you'll be sitting out on the balcony."

"Miss Penelope?"

"What?"

"Who's payin' for all this?

He looked ridiculous, the chicken neck in his shorts was sticking out and about to drip yet he wanted to know finances. "Aren't we from the South? And what kind of Southern Baptist Preacher Man doesn't pay his bills? Look, do what I tell you and it will be fine. Stop worrying or you'll kill yourself before you get another taste." With that I took my finger and rubbed it across my clit. Then wet his lips with my moist finger. I couldn't help it. I do, after all, have a soft spot.

Worm started to cry and damn if that spigot of his didn't shoot again. The whole front of his pants was wet from it. That's what being nice to someone gets you.

"Look asshole, you're disgusting and you stink with spunk. I do something nice for you and what do you do?"

"I'm so sorry Miss Penelope. I can't help myself."

"You won't have any left once we get married. What you going to do then, shoot blanks?"

"I'll save some up I promise. I'll try to control myself better. I will."

"Shit Worm, better have them bring up some diapers for you to wear. I don't want that shit of yours gooing up the place. That reminds me, We are having a costume ball after the wedding and I want you to wear a custom made costume I picked out for you. You don't want to hurt my feelings do you, especially after I treated you so well.

"I'll wear anything you want. Can I have another taste."

"Don't be greedy now. Isn't greed a sin? Shame on you, and you being a Baptist minister." I needed a few more bottles of champagne to help get ready for the party so I told Worm, "Get on the phone and get some credit card numbers from your parishioners. Tell them you're in Sin City saving souls. If they can believe that shit you preach, they'll believe anything."

"Oh, Miss Penelope, I can get in a lot of trouble doing that."

"Well aren't you a minister and aren't you in Vegas and aren't we having a big bash after the wedding? Trust me, all hell will be there. So what are you lying about? Now get some money or I'll call the whole thing off and take you back to Bum Fuck Georgia myself.

"Oh, I'll get on it right away, that's a good idea Miss Penelope saving souls. Now how about a little taste. Just the tip of your nail scented with your heavenly petals."

"You want more shit from my snatch. That right asshole?"

"Yes, ma'am, it is."

"Now listen real good. You want anything from me you'll have to work your fucking ass off. I don't see any money, I don't see champagne and I don't see you in diapers. Whats your problem?"

"No problem. I'm on it."

There was a knock at the front door and I had Worm answer it. Packages by the dozens carried by deliveries from everywhere came through. I needed a drink before trying on all the costumes.  Fortunately, one guy had the champagne so I grabbed that first, pulled the cork out myself because Worm was busy with a diaper and the phone, and downed the fucker.

It was a great fucking party. I mean everyone was there. And my friends laughed their asses off when Worm and I walked down the aisle. I had to get a bit snippy when he objected to his outfit. But I really needed a pink poodle by my side and all my friends have pets. Mine is just a bit peculiar is all. But it was the only thing that would go with my costume by Prada and it was a smash.

After the wedding, done really nice with the bats released at the end. And to see Worm dance around on his leash screaming "Jesus save me, Jesus save me," when the lesbian minister opened her fat mouth and a spider walked out. That was the best.

But it all took a toll on Worm, he didn't look good now. A few days of partying and he looked about finished, all sickly looking which is why I made him keep the pink poodle outfit on, it gave him some color. Then, when we got back to Georgia, and stepped out of the car in front of his church with the congregation mad as hell, and the sheriff there with handcuffs, and Worm still in his pink poodle outfit, it all came to a tragic end.

It looked like a heart attack to me, Worm dressed up in his cute outfit with his tongue sticking out and a diaper full of goo from all the dick juices he made while he flapped about grabbing his chest. Then suddenly he gave out a wheeze and stiffed out dead as the congregation and sheriff, with their mouths dropped to the ground,  watched as Worm's last breath  belched for more poontang. Dang if he wasn't a horny cuss.

I handed his leash to the sheriff and asked a couple of good ole country boys if they would be kind enough to help a widow with her packages. I had a shitload of stuff from Vegas to unpack and a new husband to look for.





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